My 2018 mantra will be not apologizing for who I am or what I say. I speak because I have an opinion of value and voice my opinion because I care enough to tell you. As I am writing this, I had no idea what the accompanying image would be for this story and then my fiance snapped me in my element. In bed buried with my ideas wanting to type them out as fast as possible. My pup Elvis joined me as he usually does and in that moment he distracted me from what is a behavior that I am putting an end to in 2018, which is comparing myself to others and allowing fear of rejection to hinder my ideas.
Over a month ago, I filmed a makeup tutorial to get a sense of how I would look on camera. I got my beautiful friend Vanessa Lopez to join me and with no historical knowledge on filming ourselves, we just went for it. There were a lot of hiccups and by a lot I mean that we had to contend with a non professional setup, a 7 year old camera, a standard boom mic which only picked up the sounds coming out of the air vent, two very playful Frenchies, a sneezing fiance, my only battery dying about every 30 minutes, the Frenchies almost knocking the camera over twice and then to top it off the mic shutting off on us towards the end of the video. Needless to say, we actually spent close to 5 hours shooting and after some considerable editing, we ended up with a 6-minute video. I sat on the video for weeks because I kept judging the final product. I didn’t run it through any filters or special effects, I used iMovie to edit and to be honest I didn’t quite love the way I looked on camera.
So while I’m deep in thought looking at some of my favorite YouTubers and comparing my sad little video to their beautiful ones, Elvis jumped onto the bed and snapped me out of that mental zone. Derik (my fiance) took pictures on an iPhone and in looking at those photos I thought, this is me. I am who I am. My friends and family love me for my opinions and witty comments so why couldn’t I appreciate what they see in me? That’s when I said “Fuck it” and made a decision for both myself and my equally anxious friend Vanessa to post the video as it is. I uploaded to YouTube, posted on Facebook and held my breath.
“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start.”
One of my favorite poets of all time, Charles Bukowski captures my sentiment in that precise moment when I hit ‘publish’. We all start somewhere, and if you are going to try why stop before you really even get started? So this post is for you, the self-doubters, the anxious ones, the nervous ones, and for that little voice that tells you that you can do it. You just have to get out of your own way and stop apologizing for being you. Bottom line, owning you. It’s a constant battle but I promise that I am working on it and in owning our “tutorial” video that is up for the world to see, I’m sharing it with you, my amazing readers as well. Besos, xo.
P.S. I get SO many questions on my MacBook Air case, you can buy it here —– > Amazon