Lifestyle… try and be the best you possible. You is all you got.
Say it with me, “me, me, me”. Now I can bet that many of you reading this felt selfish… slightly guilty about taking those 3 seconds to speak those words out loud instead of doing something more “productive” with your time. As you may have noticed, I took a little hiatus from my blog to focus a bit on life, aka me. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions one of which was the feeling that I am not conquering it all, at once. Why does it have to be at once? Is it the New Yorker in me? Is it the fact that I have self diagnosed myself as a “type A”? Whatever the diagnosis, I knew that I needed to take a step away to live life. Not live life to take nice Instagram pictures or fill my Tumblr feed, but live life whereby I forget to post because I am actually living in the moment.
There is the occasional, “I have to post this!” syndrome (which is totally ok, I am not judging) but I actually spent time being a bit, ahem, “lazy”. A little ‘Eat, Pray, Love’, you could call it. While I did not have the good fortune to travel across the globe this summer, I did become very fond of the time spent with me, myself and I… all versions of me. I took up running and completed a 5K (that’s a big deal for me – I was telling people that I was running a marathon!… insert your eye roll here), I had lunch and dinner at restaurants alone, I enjoyed watching movies and laughing out loud alone, and I also enjoyed catching a few art exhibits with the company of myself. Now before you think ‘aww, she must be lonely’… it’s quite the opposite actually. Whereby my fortune can’t be measured in stocks or million dollar assets, my personal and inherited grants provide the most powerful ROI that no wall street broker can buy. What I mean is that I don’t have a shortage of friends, family or love… I have it in abundance and I am eternally grateful for that. I struck the family jackpot and won the big stuffed animal with my carnival of friends. So the decision to spend more time with me was a personal one. I take great satisfaction in seeing others happy and for a while I kind of stopped feeding my own needs or allowed them not to matter because I was all too consumed with everyone else’s stability and well being. I reasoned with myself and convinced myself to not want things because it didn’t work in that moment. In essence, I was robbing myself of experiences in order to “keep the peace”. Which is ironic because I am as opinionated as they come and believe in keeping it honest, letting people and situations know when something isn’t right… but I didn’t do it with myself.
So the hiatus was fruitful in the fact that I had time to be selfish and think about what I want and need. Have I put the wheels in motion to bring my wants and needs to fruition? Not quite yet… that takes time, as when it comes to matters of the heart, you must thread gently. I also found what really makes me, me. What makes me tick, who I want around, and who needs to go. You learn to realize that some people or situations are just the way they are and you should use your energy in trying to change that. It’s no secret that I love writing and poetry and I can easily go on and start naming great poets/authors who have helped defined human emotions so perfectly. I still remember the day I discovered Charles Bukowski, I was 22 working in retail and was all too consumed by the stress and pressure to be something great beyond my years. I would find solace in libraries or bookstores, diving into pages where you are free to let your thoughts and feelings be. I stumbled upon a poetry bin and I picked up a spiral notebook with random quotes… one of which struck a cord (to this day I regret not buying that spiral notebook). The quote said,
The problem was you had to keep choosing between one evil or another, and no matter what you chose, they sliced a little bit more off you, until there was nothing left.
It resonates with me today as it did when I was 22. When you truly want something, it doesn’t go away as you age… it may hide (or you hide it) but it will always resurface unless you tackle it straight on or make peace with it. I spent far too much time completing others tasks and goals that I forgot about my own. The hiatus was lovely (and isn’t that what the summer is for?), fall is slowly creeping itself to the east coast and with that comes a passing of the tide. That is the one thing I love about seasons… It gives you an opportunity for change and renewal, despite the fact that I absolutely detest the cold. I’m getting back to working on things that I’ve let chillen in a little dark box… and remembering that what is important to me won’t be what the world expects or wants of me, and that’s ok. It’s my life kid… I’m still working on it and enjoying every damn minute of it.
#Summer2015 #GoodBreak #BuenDescanso #MeTime
Main Photo courtesy of Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Quote photo courtesy of Pinterest, Elizabeth Gilbert quote.